I think of songs as love affairs. Music is a much gentler lover than people. I’ve never been spurned by music, I’ve never been made to regret having relations with a song, I’ve often felt the warmth and catharsis and stability of the bottomless love music brings. It helps us celebrate, process, grieve, reflect, and everything in between. And perhaps the most beautiful part of being an artist is knowing that your pieces have the potential to provide all that for others, too.
Making music is kind of like raising children, albeit much less stressful and high stakes. You nurture a song to be the best that it can be, knowing that even after you let it loose on the world, it’ll still change and be viewed differently by other people. To the world, it just appeared into being one day, but you know how much it has transformed. You’ve cared for it through hurdles and frustrations, enjoyed the peaceful, happy moments, and did the exceptionally difficult job of letting it go on to have a life of its own.
With my debut single ‘normal’ (out in a measly 4 days–ahh!), there was a lot of torturous waiting and uncertainty involved in the process. By the time the song comes out, it’ll be nearly 3 years of trying to get the single to where it could be heard by your ears. And though it was at times a very sad journey because I wasn’t sure if it would ever find its way to fruition, I knew I couldn’t just throw it to anyone.
This had to be done with great care.
My first producer Suka is someone I’ve known and admired for years. (Go check out his tunes if you haven’t, they’re so brilliant and layered and fun!) I felt comfortable with and motivated by him, and I really felt he understood the tone of the song. Unfortunately, due to some unforeseen circumstances, we had to part ways on this project. My second producer Shout is a castmate of mine from a little show called Rockabye, a Lovecraftian queer horror comedy musical by our pal Sushi Soucy. Shout brought their multi-instrumental approach to the song and made it unlike anything I’d ever thought it could be. But alas, as Shout is almost constantly on the move performing, and I wanted to get the song out as quickly and true to the piece as possible, we had to bring our collaboration to an end as well.
Then came many months of waiting and wondering and hoping. Who had I not thought of? Who that I knew and trusted could see this through with me? With Suka, I already felt like we’d gotten so close. I knew what the song could be, but I needed someone else to join me on the road to its completion. Lo and behold, the answer came in the form of my castmate, my friend, my brudder Nicholas Leung. We’d been doing music streams together because we both wanted to connect with each other and the larger community that supports what we do as artists, and we didn’t have as clear an outlet for music as we did for acting. Since spring of this year, Nick and I have been working on ‘normal,’ building and rebuilding, adjusting, layering, texturing, story-weaving, and very soon, you’ll be able to hear what all of our work culminated in.
And now, we’re back to that scary act of releasing, or on the flipside of the coin, the joy of sharing. One of my greatest fears surrounding songwriting and making art in general is that my ideas might die with me. It broke my heart in the past to think that these melodies and words and stories I’ve had in my head for years might never reside in any other heart save my own. And though some of them might get lost along the way (I’ve got lots of living and creating left to do!), with this song, I’ve begun the work and honor of unburdening my artistic soul. And it feels good.
I’ll leave you with one last note (haha). The past two-and-a-bit years of my life have been a roller coaster emotionally. When I started writing this song, I had known what it was like to yearn, but not what it was to have my heart ripped apart by someone who claimed to love me, to be betrayed by someone who purposely gave no signs of being untrustworthy, to stay in something that hurts because it’s something. I’ve learned that in the realm of love, these things are–unfortunately–normal occurrences. It’s a common experience among humans to love, to long, to have your heart broken, to fall apart. And, it’s also natural that we learn & heal from it all. Wherever you are on this journey, know that it is yours and you don’t have to do it any certain way or in any set timeframe. Take heart, take a breather, and do not give up on yourself. I’m still trying to do that, so you’re not alone there. The trying is what counts. And with any luck, this song of mine will help you take a little step or two toward feeling & being better ♡
‘normal’ is out midnight local time on August 8th. Right now, you can pre-save it on Spotify, and pre-order on Apple Music and Amazon. Thank you for reading, and thank you for listening.
i am truly so stoked for this <3